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Wow. I remember when everyone used to use this thing!!! We would all updated like once a day. SHITTT. That was a long time ago. Now when I actually write something in here it feel like a straight up writing in a dairy, cause none of us ever go on here anymore. Its crazy to think of how much shit can change in just four years. Its scares me to death sometimes. We are all growing up, and really finding ourselves. My friends really mean the world to me, and they have stuck with me through some really hard times in my life. I can't even begin to thank them enough. They have had such a huge part in shaping who I am today. I think one of the hardest parts about growing up is losing the friends you didn't want to. Like kids from grammar school. When I see some of them now its the most akward thing ever. Half of them act like they never knew me. God. |
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ahhh. The only guy that actually gives a fuck is wayyyyyyyyy to old for me. It's just a weird situation! |
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So after lots and lots and lots of thinking and asking a few friends I decided to text devon telling him how I STILL feel about him. I told him that I just wanted to get something off my chest and he didn't need to say anything back, but that I still really like him. And that I really care about him and that he's one of those people I want in my life. Of course he didn't say anything back that night. I started to really hate myself for even putting myself out there. He texted me a few days ago saying whats up. We just updated each other on what we've been up too, but he didn't say anything about the text from a week ago, and I sure as hell wasn't about to either. He texted me again yesterday (day 2) with the same whastsup. We didn't really talk for long cause he was in class and FUCK the time difference! He told me to hit him up tomorrow, which is now today. I don't know what the hell is going on with this kid! Why is he texting me eveyday now after a fucking week of me thinking he was never gonna talk to me again cause I fucked the friendship up that we have. I don't get it. Does he like me and he's waiting for the right time to even hint at it again, does he just want to be friends and doesn't want things to be akward, does he want to wait to see what happens if he EVER comes back. I don't know. Someone PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE! I've never ever ever liked anyone the way I like this kid. I haven't seen him in like a year and a half and I still think about him everyday. I can't get him out of my fucking head. It's so sad cause their is soooooooooooooooooooooo many things I still don't know about him, but i want more then anything to be able to. He's interesting and smart, and funny, and adorable, and artistic! Why did he need to stay here? I've been stuck in the same place for so long and I just want to know when and if things will ever move along again. What do I do from here? |
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Damn. Sometimes I wonder how different it would of been if we were together now. |
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ive really just been thinking alot about him lately and he was in my dream last night and it was amazing. But then when i woke up i realized how much everything sucks and it made me want to go back to bed. I hate it. It feels like i would do anything to have that back. fuck last summer, |
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So my mom told me today that Liz my neighbor and best friend growing up got married last weekend. When i heard that I felt like punching myself in the head. We grew up next door to each other since birth, she was only a year older then me. Her mom not only was the one to give my mom the idea of naming me Hannah but she was always so supportive and concerned about me. She died suddenly in April. Liz was ALWAYS closest with her mom, she never really got along with her dad. It kills me. I've tried so hard the last few months to let Liz know that I am there for her and I love her. But all shes done is ignore me or act like shes okay, when I feel like I'm the only one that knows shes not. She told me about a momth ago that her and her boyfriend Keith were engaged. But she had no date... nothing. I just hoped they would be engaged for 5 years and finally realize its not gonna work. But i was wrong. That was the last thing she needed, to just be cut off from the world. I dont know what to do. I feel completely lost. All I've wanted to do is save her. |
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Things seem like they're turning to shit. |
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So my first year of college is over. Crazy, I know! I want this summer to be amazing. I want to be doing something at every second. I gotta just change everything and get over shit. But i miss him. I really really do. He should be coming home again soon. damn |
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It really makes me happy to know that when i look back I can honestly say I hand an amazing time with my friends. We are always laughing about something. As shitty as life can be sometimes i will always have these memories to look back on and know i was happy. Have fun! Were young. Do things you might get in trouble for. Dance alot. |
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I miss it, I miss it so much. I cant even remember what it feels like anymore to be inlove. So many people talk about it and i just dont even know what to say. I forget sometimes and that sucks. |
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Its getting nicer out, which means im in a better mood. I cant believe its march already! My birthdays next week. I'm gonna be 19! it doesnt feel like it at all. It feels like I just turned 18. I miss my friends for tech. theres so many people i lost touch with. it sucks fuck i dont know what to hell to talk about |
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okay, okay. |
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